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CONTENTS
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• The Starter<
• Christmas Jokes
• General Jokes
• Animal Jokes
• Cracker Jokes
• Blonde Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Totally Tasteless Jokes

*=- Christmas Jokes:
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** What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?- Sandy Claws!

** Why does Santa have 3 gardens? - So he can ho-ho-ho.

** What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.

** Why was Santa's little helper depressed? - Because he had low elf esteem.

** What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? - Ribbon hood.

** What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? - Claustrophobic.

** What do snowmen eat for breakfast? - Snowflakes.

** Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

*=- General Jokes:
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** A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull crapped in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."


** A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

*=- Animal Jokes:
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** A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

*=- Blonde Jokes:
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One day a blonde was sitting out in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield.
Another blonde drove by and stopped. She hollered out to the blonde in the rowboat :
"You're the reason we blondes have a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd go out there and hit you"

*=- Cracker Jokes:
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Yes, these jokes are authentic jokes from crackers and they are terrible - just like they should be!!

** How do snowmen get around? - On their icicle!!

** What kind of pump can you eat? - A pumpkin!!

** What is white and crumbly and swings through trees? - A meringue!!

** Who babysits for the kids? - A nanny-goat!!?

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare everyone for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions: (Anymore than 10 points is BAD!!)

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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** What is a kangaroo's favourite TV show? - Dr. Roo!!

** What is a cow's favourite TV show? - Dr. Moo !!

** What do you call a beetle from outer space? - Bug Rogers!!

*=- Totally Tasteless Jokes:
######################

** A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE NEW YUCK TIMES
All the humor that's fit to print. Bill Williams, your editor-in-chuckle brings you the only News-zine with laughter from front to back. Published three times a week. Email Mrlnff@aol.com, or http://thenewyucktimes.listbot.com/
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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1998 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.