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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Bad Pun Jokes
• Little Johnnie Jokes
• Political Jokes
• "We Need Your Help" Appeal Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Sexist Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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** Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


** Cathy watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Cathy had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my disabled immotile husband Rodney, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


** Man walks into a pharmacy.
"Do you have some talcum powder please?"
"Certainly, Sir, if you'd just walk this way."
"Don't be silly. If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"

*=- Bad Pun Jokes:
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** Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, ...but is this stool taken?"

*=- Little Johnnie Jokes:
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** "Christmas is almost on us," said the teacher, and tomorrow I want all of you boys and girls to bring something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
Next day, each pupil had brought something along. Little Sally was first. "I've brought a toy reindeer," she said, "because Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer."
Then came George, who had brought a piece of the deodar tree from his garden."This is what Christmas trees are made of," he explained. Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper, and Marcie brought a picture of a turkey. All of which the teacher praised, but expressed the wish that someone had used a bit more initiative, and also concentrated more on the spiritual aspects of Christmas.
Inevitably, Little Johnnie at the back of the class had had his hand up all the while, snapping his fingers, and hissing "Miss, Miss." And as a last desperate resort she calls on him.
"Okay, Little Johnnie," says teacher. "What have you brought."
Proudly, Little Johnnie produces a set of ladies panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.
"What are THOSE?" demands Teacher, as if she didn't know.
"They're girls' panties, Miss."
"I can see that, Johnnie. But what have they got to do with Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

*=- Political Jokes:
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** Bob Dole participated in the testing of Viagra, and has apparently agreed to do some promotionals for the drug.
Possible content: "I didn't win the Presidency, but with Viagra I can act like I did!"


** British diplomacy has at last come up with a solution to the Iraq crisis..
... Saddam Hussein has been invited to London for a medical check-up.

*=- "We Need Your Help" Appeal Jokes:
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** THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
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With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year-as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day-that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV-you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
==========================
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
===========================
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] DiscoverCard [ ] Diner's Club

Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:_________
Signature: __________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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** Top 12 Reasons You Know You Love Your Job:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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** What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? - You're too young to smoke!!

** Did you hear about the dumb ghost? - He climbed over the wall!!
from A.Mackie

** Doc: Mrs. Smith, you have acute appendicitis.
Mrs. Smith: I came here to treated, not admired, Doctor!

** Waiter, your thumb is in my soup.
Don't worry Sir, it's not hot!!

** When is a car not a car? - When it is stationary!!

** Where do you always need an over coat? - Chile!!

*=- Sexist Jokes:
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** A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

** If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1998 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.