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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Valentine Jokes
• List Jokes
• Animal Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• On a Sign Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes
• Tasteless Jokes
• Blonde Jokes
• Yo Mama Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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** ** Life's RULES....

1. When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. One good turn gets most of the blanket.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
7. If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
9. Our good friend Willie is dead, he will be seen no more, for what he thought was H20 was H2SO4. (rhymes)
10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
11. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
12. Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
13. The only difference between a rut (a groove) and a grave is the depth.
14. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
15. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

*=- Valentine Jokes:
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** A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

*=- List Jokes:
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** Top 15 things to do at a boring movie...

1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juijy Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell,"I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.

*=- Animal Jokes:
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** One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".
Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

*=- "On a Sign" Jokes:
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** These are from *actual* signs...

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Advertised on the side of a city bus:

"Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."

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Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University

in Melbourne, Australia was: "Arts Degrees - please take one."

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In downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said:

"Closed for the Holidays".

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At a Pub in Australia:

Sexual harrassment will not be prosecuted. However, it will be graded.

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Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate:

"If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!"

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Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta:

"We Have Japanese Body Parts!"

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On an older compact car was the bumper sticker:

"This car is constipated, it can't pass anything"

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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** What is a pig's favourite karate chop? - A pork chop!!

** How do you stop an elephant from charging? - Take away it's credit cards!!

** Why did the Pensioner put wheels on his rocking chair? - He wanted to rock and roll!!

** Why did the football coach give his team a lighter? - Because they kept losing their matches!!

** What do you give a sick canary? - Tweetment!!

** What happens when two snails have a fight? - They slug it out!!!

*=- "You Know You're" Jokes:
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** You Know You're a small child when you know that....

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.

*=- Tasteless Jokes:
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** DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES - Proof of Evolution....

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was about braek into. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

6. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.


DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of ] a thousand Morons."

*=- Blonde Jokes:
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** What do you call eight blondes in a row? - A wind tunnel.!
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Thanks to DellaJ for that joke !!!
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*=- Yo Mama Jokes:
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** Yo mama so fat and stupid she brought a spoon to the superbowl.

** Yo mama is so poor that she thought a quarter back was a refund.

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Thanks to RauerGOLD for both these jokes!!
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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1999 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.