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JOKE EMAIL

Keeping you amused every Monday morning!!
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Vol. 3, No. 07 February 15th, 1999
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By Tom Evans
Editor, Joke Email
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CONTENTS
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The Starter
General Jokes
On a Sign Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Glenn Hoddle Jokes
Marriage Jokes
Childrens Jokes
More Marriage Jokes

*=- The STARTER:
#################

** Apologies for the early Joke Email - but I'm away for the weekend and so it has to be sent out today rather than Sunday. So this week we'll be "Starting Your WeekEND Amusingly"!!........

So Glenn Hoddle's transcript of his doomed speech is included somewhere below. As for Joke Email, we'll soon be moving to our new domain name home of www.jokeemail.com, but not for a couple of weeks. We'll also be having a competition to celebrate to win a graphics card.
The NBA season finally got going this week as well. Wooo, how the Bulls have fallen...

Anyways, happy week all....

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*=- General Jokes:
######################

** Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A. The survivors were marooned.

** A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

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** The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

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<>=- On a Sign Jokes:
#################

** As I was walking a saw a sign. This is what it read:
"A bulldog for sale, eats anything, very fond of children."

** On a rib joint in Alabama:
"If you didn't have ribs, you'd fall down"

** At Graves & Sons (funeral home) their sign read:
"You stab 'em we slab 'em."

** Seen on a parking space in a church's parking lot in Edinburgh, IN
"Clergy parking only - you park, you preach!"

** Seen on a bumper sticker in Rhode Island:
"I love cats, they taste like chicken!"

** A sign seen in a military "latrine" (bathroom): Over the toilet paper dispenser:
"Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper division."

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<>=- Yo Mama Jokes:
##################

** Yo mama is so fat that she walked in front of the T.v. and I missed 15 minutes of my show.

** Yo mama is so poor she chased the garbage truck with a shopping list in her hand.

** Yo mama is so poor that she can't pay attention.

** Yo mama is so old that I said act your age and she droped dead.

** Yo mama is so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested for mooning.

** Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks into the bank they turn off the surveliance cameras.

** Yo mama is so ugly that she has a sign in her yard that says beware of dog.

** Yo mama has so many gaps between her teeth it looks like a piano.

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<>=- Glenn Hoddle Jokes:
####################

Sacked England soccer coach Glenn Hoddle really knows how to speak Plain English

Here are some of his best, or actual quotes:

** After a Wembley crowd paid silent tribute to Princess Diana: 'I never heard a minute's silence like that.'

** After the World Cup: 'It's no use crying over spilt milk, we just need to get another cow.'

** The Transcript mentioned in last week's Starter ** (Do you understand it?)
On his remarks about the disabled: 'I do not believe that. At this moment in time, if that changes in years to come I don't know, but what happens here today and changes as
we go along that is part of life's learning and part of your inner beliefs.'

** After his Swindon team came from 1-4 down to win 6-4 in 1993: 'We threw caution to the wind and came back from the dead. Well, it is Easter Monday.'

** On Eileen Drewery (his 'spiritual healer') : 'Look at Jesus. He was a normal run of the mill sort of guy who had a genuine gift, just as Eileen has.'

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<>=- Marriage Jokes:
###################

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'.

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.

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<>=- Children's Jokes:
######################

** What did the big bean say to the little bean? - Where have you been!!

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<>=- More Marriage Jokes:
##################

** "My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends."

** How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

** Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

** First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

** Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful

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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1999 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.