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JOKE EMAIL

Keeping you amused every Monday morning!!
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Vol. 3, No. 08 February 22nd, 1999
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By Tom Evans
Editor, Joke Email
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CONTENTS
============

The Starter
General Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Sexist Jokes
Animal Jokes
Childrens Jokes
Marriage Jokes

*=- The STARTER:
#################

** Hey everyone! So Hilary may run for New York and then the Presidency, I thought she already ran the President. :-) Anyway, the Brits (UK Grammies) happened this week, and how bad were they!! Cleopatra should stick to baggy clothes, no more skin tight leotards. Lauryn Hill should have won Best International Female as well...

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*=- General Jokes:
######################

** A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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** A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:
"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and socks."
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:

"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

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<>=- Yo Mama Jokes:
#################

** Yo Mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton

** Yo mama is so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed
----------------------------
Both from SocrBeast4!!
----------------------------

** Yo mama is so cheap that she used a lighter as a heater
----------------------------
From HOMIE83333
----------------------------

** Yo mama is so stupid you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears.

** Yo mama is so stupid that someone told her to go buy a color T.V. and 3 hours later she came back and asked "Which color?"

** Yo mama so stupid she spent 20 minutes starring at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.

** Yo mama is so stupid that she ran around the bed twice to try to catch some sleep.
----------------------------
All from adidas5940
----------------------------

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<>=- You Know You're Jokes:
##################

** You know you work in Corporate America if ...

1) You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
2) Your resume is on a disk in your pocket.
3) When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
4) You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
5) You learn about your layoff on CNN.
6) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
7) Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
8) You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
9) Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World
countries' annual budgets combined.
10) It's dark when you drive to and from work.
11) Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
12) "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
13) You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
14) Free food left over from meetings is your main staple diet.
15) Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
16) Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
17) You're already late on the assignment you just got.
18) Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
19) Your boss' favorite lines are "When you get a few minutes", "In your spare time",
"When you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
20) Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

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<>=- Sexist Jokes: About Women
####################

** The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...

The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
----------------------------------------------------------------
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
---------------------------------------------
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
----------------------------------------
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Moo!
f. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?
------------------------------------------------------------
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

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<>=- Animal Jokes:
###################

** A duck walks into a feed store and asks,
"Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

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<>=- Children's Jokes:
######################

** Why do golf players wear two pairs of trousers? - In case they get a hole in one!!

** What did the astronauts say about the eight-legged aliens? - Don't worry, they're armless!!

** How do toads fly? - By hopper-craft!!

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<>=- Marriage Jokes:
##################

** Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want,then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

** At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

** After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

** A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

** The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

** When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

** Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

** Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

** A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1999 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.