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FREE JOKES!!! Former Bob Hope script writer Bob Mills publishes M-F e-zine with gags from politically incorrect to tasteless, plus backstage Hope Show stories and movie reviews from a certified Hollywood insider.
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JOKE EMAIL


Keeping you amused every Monday morning!!
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Vol. 3, No. 06 February 8th, 1999
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By Tom Evans
Editor, Joke Email
http://jokeemail.freeservers.com
http://members.aol.com/queequak/JokeEmail.htm
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CONTENTS
============



*=- The STARTER:
#################

** So, another week rolls past. Lots happened this week though: Monica gave her second address (the first is still being analysed!); the Broncos won the Superbowl; and England football coach Glenn Hoddle was sacked for his comments about disabled people. If you really want a laugh, get the transcript of his comments after the intial remark. Talk about digging holes....
Anyway, have an Amusing week... :-))


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*=- General Jokes:
######################

** Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the FBI?
A: A small medium at large.!!


** A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"


~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)



** How Cold is it? An Annotated Thermometer:

50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
40 - College students still wear shorts
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Wisconsinites go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You can see your breath
You plan your vacation to Australia
Wisconsinites put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
25 - Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Wisconsinites eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
20 - You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 - You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - Too cold to snow
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - You plan your vacation in Houston
0 - American cars don't start
Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-5 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Wisconsinites' stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-10 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
-15 - Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
Only ice chunks hit the bottom of the outhouse
-20 - You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Californians disappear
Wisconsinites button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-30 - Congressional hot air freezes
-50 - Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south
-65 - All major universities are still open and requiring students to attend class!



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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)

<>=- Film Jokes:
#################

** Actual extract from film magazine:

Movie: "The Wizard of Oz":
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.


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<>=- Yo Mama Jokes:
##################


** Yo mama is so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican Phone Company!!
________________
From AdidasDC14 !!
==============

** Yo mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes North Carolina, Georgia, Arizona, Nevada.....

** Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, everyone yells, "Push her in!!! Push her in, she's gonna die!!!"
_____________
All from Frogi99!!
============

** Yo mama's so fat, she uses her VCR as a pager.
_____________________
From Frogi99 and Iltfah84!!
==================

** Yo mama so fat she puts on her belt with a sling shot.
** Yo mama so fat her belt size is equator.
** Yo mama so fat that when she got hit by a bus she turned around and said "Who threw that?"
__________________
All from Wilma Moore !!
================


** Yo mama so stupid she walked by the YMCA and said "Look, you've spelt MACY's wrong!
_______________
From AberNF4evr!!
=============


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<>=- "How to.." Jokes:
####################

** How To Write Well :
  1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
  4. Employ the vernacular.
  5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  8. Contractions aren't necessary.
  9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  10. One should never generalize.
  11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  14. Be more or less specific.
  15. Understatement is always best.
  16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.



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<>=- Redneck Jokes:
###################

** Redneck Medical Terms:

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................Near by.


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<>=- Children's Jokes:
######################

** How do you make your coat last? - Make your trousers first!!

** What did the grape say when it got trodden on? - Nothing, it just gave out a little whine!!


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<>=- Top 10 Jokes:
##################

** Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:   

  1. Hey! There's a gift.   
  2. Well, well, well...   
  3. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.   
  4. Perfect for wearing in the basement.   
  5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!   
  6. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!   
  7. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.   
  8. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.   
  9. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity
  10. I really don't deserve this.


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<>=- Sport Jokes:
################

** A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.
"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on
your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."  


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<>=- Tasteless Jokes:
###################

** A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.
The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.
The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks,
"Did you kill them?"
"Yes," she replies. The lawyer questions her again,
"What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool," she responds.
There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?"
"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.
"Uh, is this 555-8904?"


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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1999 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.