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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• General Jokes
• Clinton Jokes
• You Know You're Jokes
• Elephant Jokes
• Microsoft Jokes
• Childrens Jokes
• Blonde Jokes

*=- General Jokes:
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** A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied,
" I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The woman replies,
"No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

*=- Clinton Jokes:
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** A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons."

*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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** You Know You're Top 8 Office Activities when your Boss is on the first day of his Vacation are:

• 8) "Best imitation of the boss" contest wins everything in the supply room
• 7) Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.
• 6) The battle begins for the coveted "Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris" Triple Crown.
• 5) Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting.
• 4) Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.
• 3) Take pictures of his favourite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.
• 2) Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let's Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!
• 1) Convincing the boss's daughter to be your intern.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
5. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
6. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
7. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
8. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
9. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
12. Repeat Number 14 in the jewellry department.
13. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
14. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
15. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
16. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
17. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
18. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
19. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
20. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

*=- Elephant Jokes:
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Q : How do you get two elephants into a mini?
A : One in the drivers seat, one in the passengers seat.

Q : How do you put four elephants into a mini?
A : Two in the from, two in the back.

Q : How do you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A : Footprints in the butter.

Q : How do you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
A : There's an empty mini parked outside your house.

*=- Microsoft Jokes: Parody
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** Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi
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Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tamagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tamagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology".

The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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** What do short-sighted ghosts were? - Spookacles!!

** Why can't two elephants go swimming? - Because they only have one pair of trunks!!

*=- Blonde Jokes:
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** A Blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second Blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."


** On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a Cape Bretoner sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The Cape Bretoner replied, "I'm a Caper, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the Cape Breton woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the Cape Bretoner replied, "I'm a Caper, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, an I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a Cape Bretoner, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the Caper's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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THE NEW YUCK TIMES
All the humor that's fit to print. Bill Williams, your editor-in-chuckle brings you the only News-zine with laughter from front to back. Published three times a week. Email Mrlnff@aol.com, or http://thenewyucktimes.listbot.com/
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