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CONTENTS
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*=- General Jokes:
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** A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The frog says,
"Hi, what's your name?"
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummmm... do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmmm... I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what it is."
The manager says, "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.!!!
*=- What Do You Call a Man Jokes:
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Q. What do you call a man who has been buried in a bog for 2000 years ?
A. Pete.
Q. What do you call a man with a piece of wood stuck in his head ?
A. Edward.
Q. What do you call a man with two pieces of wood stuck in his head ?
A. Edward.Woodward
Q. What do you call a man with a spade stuck in his head ?
A. Dug
Q. What do you call a man without a spade stuck in his head ?
A. Douglas
Q. What do you call a man lying in a pile of leaves ?
A. Russel
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea ?
A. Bob
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your doorstep?
A. Matt
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
A. Art
*=- Animal Jokes:
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** In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
*=- Slightly Late Xmas Jokes:
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** Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged:
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
*=- Elephant Jokes:
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** Why do ducks have flat feet? - To stamp out forrest fires
Why do Elephants have flat feet? - To stamp out burning ducks
**Why do elephants paint their feet yellow? - To hide upside down in bowls of custard
Never seen an elephant upside down in your custard?? - Then it must work
How do you get elephants to go into a mini? - Tell them there's custard in there
How do you know that an elephant has been in your fridge? - Yellow footprints in the egg tray
How do you know that elephant has been to your house? - There's a mini parked outside
*=- You Know You're Jokes:
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** You Know You're Going to use these Top 15 Excuses when Caught Sleeping at Work
*=- Children's Jokes:
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** Why are Policemen so strong? - Because they can hold up traffic!!
** Why does Santa enjoy working in the garden? - Because he likes to Ho-Ho-Ho!!
** Why did the skeleton cross the road? - To get to the Body Shop!!
** What can you use to cut the sea? - A sea-saw!!
*=-Totally Tasteless Jokes:
###########################
** The CIA seems to have been encountering problems with filling an opening
for a position as an assassin. It seems that after several thousand applicants were interviewed, the choice was narrowed down to two men and a woman.
As a final test of suitability, a test was devised to ensure the applicants' unswerving loyalty and dedication to following instructions without question, and as such, the final choice could be made.
The first man was taken to a closed door and told "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, open the door, take this gun and kill her". The man immediately balked at the procedure, and admitted he was not the man for the job, as he could never shoot his wife.
The second man was taken to the room and given the gun and told to go in and shoot his wife who would be sitting inside the room on a chair, and he went into the room with the gun and closed the door, but came out about five minutes later. He had tears in his eyes and he also said that he was unable to shoot his wife, even though those were his orders. It had been proven that he was not the man for the job either. He was told to take his wife and go home.
The woman was then taken to the door of the room, and told that inside the door sat her husband, and that to prove her unswerving loyalty to the company, she must kill her husband. She took the gun, opened the door and went in the room, then closed the door.
There were several shots heard, then all sorts of loud noise was heard from inside the room as the agents outside tried to get inside the room, the door of which she had locked.
Still unable to get in, the agents could only wait until the room fell silent and the woman finally opened the door.
They asked her what had happened and she wiped her brow and replied,
"You guys didn't tell me that the gun was loaded with blanks, I had the beat him to death with the chair".
