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JOKE EMAIL

Keeping you amused every Monday morning!!
====================================
Vol. 3, No. 09 March 1st, 1999
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By Tom Evans
Editor, Joke Email
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============
CONTENTS
============

The Starter
General Jokes
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Bloke in a Bar Jokes
You Know You're Jokes
Sexist Jokes
Childrens Jokes
Marriage Jokes

*=- The STARTER:
#################

** So here we are again. Monday morning!! Still, as promised several weeks ago, we have some Dan Quayle jokes for your viewing pleasure! I didn't think they'd be a candidate I could take less seriously than Hulk "HollyWood" Hogan, but Quayle gives him a run for his money... - must be a good sounbite though..
So Monica's publishing her book about "that matter"; Tyson is back in solitary; and JokeEmail.com will be up and running soon... just waiting for the stuff back from the naming people and we'll be running. We'll keep you posted..
And don't forget about our upcoming competition - first prize is a $150 Graphics Card!!

Happy Week....

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*=- General Jokes:
######################

** A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."

~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)

** The World's 5 shortest books:

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2) Everything Men Know About Women
3) Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics
4) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
5) Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson

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<>=- Political Jokes: Dan Quayle
#########################

** So Dan Quayle will be running for President in the year 2000. To show people not familiar with Dan's infamous quotes, and to remind the rest of you why he was only ever Vice-President, here's a list of his very best...

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

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<>=- Clinton Jokes:
#################

** Monica Lewinsky is planning a worldwide book signing tour in support of her new biography "MONICA'S STORY" due out in March.

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<>=- Yo Mama Jokes:
#################

** Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Taco Bell was a phone book.

** Yo mama is so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.

** Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.

** Yo mama so fat that when God said "Let there be light" he made her move.

** Yo mama is so fat when she goes swimming all the kids yell Shamu.

** Yo mama is so fat that she has more rolls then Betty Crocker.
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<>=- Bloke in a Bar Jokes:
#######################

** The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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<>=- You Know You're Jokes:
##################

** You Know a Redneck has been working on your computer when...

10) The monitor is up on blocks.
9) Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8) The six front keys have rotted out.
7) The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6) The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5) The password is "Bubba".
4) The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3) There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2) The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way You Know A Redneck Has Been Working On Your Computer...

1) The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

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<>=- Sexist Jokes: About Women
####################

** Life From a Women's Perspective:

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath.. push... Good Girl!"

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space...if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere romantic". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

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Children's Jokes:
######################

** What sort of cake do you NOT want for Christmas? - A stomach cake!!

** What's stupid and goes into space? - A loony module!!

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<>=- Marriage Jokes:
##################

** Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

** Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness as until I got married; and then it was too late."

** A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

** "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

** Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

** Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

** You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1999 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.