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23rd November JokeEmail

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Vol. 2, No. 5 November 23rd, 1998
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Tom Evans, Editor, Queequak@aol.com

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IN THIS ISSUE
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>The Starter
>General Jokes
>Childrens Jokes
>Sexist Jokes
>Lawyer Jokes
>You know you're Jokes

The Starter:

Hey everyone again. So getting ever closer to Christmas and I really want some of those Furby things. With a load of them I could double my money no problem - I just have to start up a Chinese factory employing school kids to make them. Pay them a handful of rice a day, and then sell Furbies for Ł50. No problem! Anyways, another Quasimodo joke this week, and the worst pun ever...

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Veteran Bob Hope script writer Bob Mills publishes a free, daily comedy e-zine. "Funny Side Up" is chock-full of topical jokes plus articles with fascinating stories from behind-the-scenes of the Bob Hope Show. Sign up at: http://funnysideup.listbot.com/ Or e-mail Bob at jokesmith@msn.com and put "sign me up" in the subject box.
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General Jokes:

** A gang of children are seen chasing Quasimodo through the streets of Paris. Quasi' turns round and shouts "Get lost you little brats, I've told you, I ain't got your football".

** Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly, without warning, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road, after a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My Master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring,almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master...
Master, Master!.......The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

** How to write that all-important University term paper:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at scout camp since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it , I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savour its special flavour.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.
18. Check the TV Guide to ensure nothing worthwhile is being missed. Turn on TV anyway.
19. Watch rerun of Charlie's Angels.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot (if any).
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.

Childrens' Jokes

** What do you call a man who has been buried in a bog for 20 years? - Pete!!
** Which country has no fat people? - Finland!!
** What did the carpet say to the desk? - I can see your drawers!!
** How do fleas get from place to place? - By Itch-hiking!!

Sexist Jokes: About Women

* What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.

Sexist Jokes: About Women

* How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

* Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the ground.

* What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

* What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

* How are men and parking spots alike?
All the good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

* What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

* Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

* What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

* Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

* Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.

* When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
When he owns it.

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THE NEW YUCK TIMES
All the humor that's fit to print. Bill Williams, your editor-in-chuckle brings you the only News-zine with laughter from front to back. Published three times a week. Email Mrlnff@aol.com, or http://thenewyucktimes.listbot.com/
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Lawyer Jokes:

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle!!

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

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NetNewsUK is a weekly ezine issued every Monday. Aimed at a UK audience, the ezine includes articles, hints and tips, classified ads plus editorial. The subscriber list also acts as a moderated discussion and help group. All subscribers receive free ads in the ezine.To subscribe to NetNewsUK: mailto:NetNewsUK-subscribe@onelist.com
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You know you're Jokes:

You know you're on a diet when:

If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner.
Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookies pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Thing licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife making a sandwich Ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: Spinach & Pistachio ice cream, Mushrooms & White Chocolate.

You know you're in a man's ideal world when:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!--------

Copyright 1998 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.