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============
CONTENTS
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*=- General Jokes:
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** Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.
"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!)
After a week, she went to get the
finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor.
"Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but GASPED!! they still had not returned! Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at the counter.
The clerk, trying to console her, (and wanting to relax the other customers, who were already starting to shift uncomfortably, so they didn't bolt from the store) said kindly,
"Don't worry, Dear... Someday your prints will come." !!!!
(Sorry, another terrible pun!! :-)) )
** A rabbit walks into a bar and he's looking for something to eat. "Have you got any toasties?" The rabbit asks the barman. "Yeah," he replies, "We've got cheese and ham..."
"Okay, I'll take the cheese toastie please." So the rabbit takes the cheese toastie and walks out of the bar.
The next day the rabbit returns and asks for a ham toastie. "Sure," says the barman. He hands him the toastie, the rabbit pays, then leaves.
The next day the rabbit returns. "Can I have a cheese toastie please?" asks the rabbit.
"I'm afraid not,"replies the barman, "we're low on cheese."
"Okay, can I have a ham toastie?"
"Low on that too" says the barman. "I tell you what though, I make you a cheese and ham toastie. That Okay?"
"Yeah, that's fine!" responds the rabbit.
So the rabbit pays the cheese/ham toastie, and leaves.
The rabbit doesn't return the bar, and the barman wonders where the rabbit has got to. So he asks one of his regulars..
"What? You didn't hear!" says his regular "He died of Mixing-ya-toasties"!!!!!!!!
*=- Quasimodo Jokes:
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**Quasimodo goes to the doc and asks "Can you get rid of my hump?"
So the doc asks him to take all his clothes off. Quasi starts taking off his clothes, and he has loads of jumpers and jackets to take off.
As he is taking them off the doc says, "Quasimodo, when was the last time you took any of your clothes off before you put new ones on?" and Quasi says, "Not since I was at
school."
So the doc says, "Didn't you ever wonder where your damn satchel had got to?"
**Then Quasi' went home and his mom had got the wok out. Quasi moans, "Oh no Mum, you know I don't like chinese food"
"What are you on about you damn fool," replies his mother, "I'm ironing your shirts"!!!
**Then Quasimodo, walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
The Barman asks "Bells OK?"
"Mind your own DAMN business!" says Quasimodo.
*=- General Advice Jokes:
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**Why pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your crap. Then just sit back and wait for the
authorities to tow it away.!!
**If you feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.!!
**NISSAN MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
dodgem cars, so may as well look like one.
**A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
**Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced, and run from the house - FAST.!!
*=- Childrens Jokes:
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** What is soft, white, sweet, and comes from Mars? - Martian-Mallows!!
** How do you phone the Sun? - Use a sun-dial!!
**Why are false teeth like stars? - They both come out at night!!!
*=- Lightbulb Jokes:
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**How many surrealists does it take change a lightbulb? - The square root of picasso!
**How many new yorkers does it take change a lightbulb? - None of your f******g business
**How many former new yorkers who live in California does it take to change a lightbulb? - None of your f*****g business, but have a nice day!
**How many pH candidates does it take to change a lightbulb? - Only one, but it takes eight years
**How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? - None - that's a hardware problem
**How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? - How many can you afford?
**How many Apple executives does it take to change a lightbulb? - As many as Bill wants.
*=- Religious Jokes:
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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who
should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their
privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
*=- Little Johnnie Jokes:
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Little Johnnie was going to a public school and he was doing very badly in maths. So his mother decided to put he into a Catholic school. When she got his report card at the end of the term, his marks in maths had improved tremendously.
So she asked him why. He replied "When I saw that naked guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business"!!
