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CONTENTS
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• The Starter
• Halloween Jokes
• General Jokes
• Topical Jokes
• Sexist Jokes
• Childrens Jokes

*=- Halloween Jokes:
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• Yo Mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
• Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
• Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
• Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
• What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? - A cereal killer!
• Why did the vampire subscribe to Vogue? - He heard it had great circulation!!

• 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
• 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
• 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
• 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
• 11. Thanks to all those Marilyn Manson fans, we just aren't taken seriously any more.
• 10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
• 9) After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
• 8) No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
• 7) With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
• 6) No warm blood for miles around DC.
• 5) Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
• 4) Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards
• 3) Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
• 2) Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

• 1) No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

*=- General Jokes:
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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."


A minister is driving down to New York to see a radio show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The State Trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water."
The trooper asks, "Then why I do smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and replies, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

*=- Sexist Jokes:
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1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

*=- Topical Jokes: Mike Tyson
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I heard on the news that Mike Tyson passed his psychiatric exam and can fight again.
Apparently Evander Holyfield was asked for his input. He gave them an earful.!

*=- Topical Jokes: The E.U.
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English Spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft 'c' would replaced by the 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3d year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applied to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil have a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrirum vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!.

*=- Childrens Jokes:
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*Where do Eskimos keep their money? - In Snowbanks!

*What did the math book say to the other math book, man I got a lot of problems!

*Why did the King Kong climb the Empire State Building? - To catch a plane!

*Why did the tomato turn red? - Because it saw the salad dressing.!

*What did one ghost tell the other? - Don't spooke until you are spooken to.!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE NEW YUCK TIMES
All the humor that's fit to print. Bill Williams, your editor-in-chuckle brings you the only News-zine with laughter from front to back. Published three times a week. Email Mrlnff@aol.com, or http://thenewyucktimes.listbot.com/
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----------------Joke Email: Starting Your Week Amusingly!------

Copyright 1998 Tom Evans
Please Note: No representation is made as to the authenticity of some of the above jokes. They have been making the rounds of Internet humour and some are by no means original to this Joke Email, or to the Joke Email site.