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CONTENTS
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*=-General Jokes:
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* An army commander wanting to mess his platoon around for the day, takes them to the middle of the desert. He divides the platoon into four squads and sends them in arbitrary directions, telling them not to come back until they found something. As sure as Clinton is guilty, a mere half hour later one of the squads returns stating to have found a bacon tree.
Enraged by their obvious lie the commander tells them to take him to their so-called bacon tree. So they march off and after about a 15 minute hike, what do they find but a bacon tree in the middle of the desert.
At that exact moment an enemy soldier jumps out from behind the tree and guns them all down screaming victoriously:
"HA HA HA, you thought it was a bacon tree, but actually it is a ham bush!"
*Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells,
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,
'Should we eat in or takeaway?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
*After getting married the bride and groom jump into a horse driven carriage and bid their families farewell. Ten minutes later the horse suddenly stops causing the newly weds to be thrown forward. The groom calmly jumps out the carriage, walks in front of the horse and shouts:
"THAT’S ONE!!". Then jumps back into the carriage and resumes his journey. Another ten minutes passes and the horse does the same again. The groom jumps out and calmly walks in front of the horse, and shouts:
"THAT’S TWO!!" then hits the horse over the head with a baseball bat. He then jumps back into the carriage and carries on the journey. Another ten minutes later, the horse still not taking the hint suddenly stops, thrusting the unsuspecting newly weds forward once more. Calmly the groom walks in front of the horse and shouts:
"THAT’S THREE!!!" and blows the horses head off with a handgun. Just as he’s about to sit down next to his new wife, she says "That was a bit harsh wasn’t it !!!". Calmly he looks into her eyes and shouts:
"THAT’S ONE!!" ....
*So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of every joke on the Internet.
*=-Animal Jokes:
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*The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Finally the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
*A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a fag."
*What has got four legs and an arm? - A Rottweiler in a playground
*What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree? - A monkey with a machine gun.
*=-Childrens Jokes:
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*Which city is a very dangerous city? - Electricity
*Why did the frog jump into the swimming pool? - The frog wanted more space to swim
*What is green and bumpy and flies through walls? - Casper the Friendly Pickle!!
*A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?
Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
*=-Topical Jokes: Royals
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*Why does Prince Harry look like James Hewitt? - Why do you think?
*=-Clinton Jokes:
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*A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to
President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
