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Christmas Jokes

** What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? - It was wound up already. ** What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? - Claustrophobic. ** What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? - Pour Santa flush on him. ** What do snowmen eat for breakfast? - Snowflakes. ** Why does Santa have 3 gardens? - So he can ho-ho-ho. ** Why was Santa's little helper depressed? - Because he had low elf esteem. ** What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite. ** What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? - Ribbon hood. ** What's the most popular wine at Christmas? - "I don't like sprouts" ! ** You Know You're Gonner Annoy Your Roommate This Christmas when: Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..." Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year." Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.") Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..." Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!" Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc." Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!" Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn." Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank." Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings." ** What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?- Sandy Claws! ** Why does Santa have 3 gardens? - So he can ho-ho-ho. ** What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite. ** Why was Santa's little helper depressed? - Because he had low elf esteem. ** What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? - Ribbon hood. ** What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? - Claustrophobic. ** What do snowmen eat for breakfast? - Snowflakes. ** Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas? She said "I could not work out what size her nose was! ** Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged: SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . . PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away) BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

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