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** An army commander wanting to mess his platoon around for the day, takes them to the middle of the desert. He divides the platoon into four squads and sends them in arbitrary directions, telling them not to come back until they found something. As sure as Clinton is guilty, a mere half hour later one of the squads returns stating to have found a bacon tree. Enraged by their obvious lie the commander tells them to take him to their so-called bacon tree. So they march off and after about a 15 minute hike, what do they find but a bacon tree in the middle of the desert.
At that exact moment an enemy soldier jumps out from behind the tree and guns them all down screaming victoriously:
"HA HA HA, you thought it was a bacon tree, but actually it is a ham bush!"
* Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells,
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.
But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,
'Should we eat in or takeaway?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
* A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He breaks it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking
in a few moments.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?
*
Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started discussing them. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture. The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend money to buy a house. The fourth man just shook his head.
He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
*
There were Two prawns. One prawn was called Kristien, and his friend was called Paul. Paul and Kristien were out swimming one day, and Paul noticed the superiority of the shark in the ocean. " Wouldn't it be great to be a shark, huh Kristien?? Then we'd never get chased" said Paul "Well, if you're interested in becoming a shark," replied Kristien "go and see the Big Cod in the Cave, and he'll sort you out." So Paul went to see the Big Cod in the Cave."Big Cod, Big Cod ! I've come to ask if you can change me into a shark" asked Paul. "Sure" said the Big Cod, and with a clap of his fins, the deed was done. So off went Paul to show off his new status, but without Kristien, he quickly became lonely, and went back to the Big Cod in the Cave. "Big Cod!, Big Cod! I hate being a shark as I never see Kristien anymore, could you change me back?"."Why yes!" said the Big Cod, and with a clap of his fins, the deed was done. Paul swam back to where Kristien lived, and knocked on the door.
"Kristien, Kristien.!!"
"I'm a Prawn again Kristrien!!!!"
* A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face and the egg is frowning.
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."
* Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realised that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the shopping mall, ran to the toy store and said to the saleswoman, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 319.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00".
"So why is the Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?" asks Ralph
"Well that's obvious" says the saleswoman "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...."
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