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General Jokes

** At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. "With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off." ** "Jill", a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. ** The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing- eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!! Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!" ** A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long." Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy." ** Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." ** Cathy watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Cathy had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my disabled immotile husband Rodney, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." ** Man walks into a pharmacy. "Do you have some talcum powder please?" "Certainly, Sir, if you'd just walk this way." "Don't be silly. If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder!" ** A Smartie and a Rolo are in a bar and they start talking. The Rolo says to the Smartie, "I'm soft on the outside and soft on the inside so everybody beats me up." The Smartie replied, "Well I'm soft on the inside but well 'ard on the outside, I'll make sure nobody lays a finger on you, nobody can take me on" Just after the Smartie finishes talking a Tune walks into the bar and the Smartie craps himself and runs into the toilets, where he stays until the Tune leaves. When he comes out he finds the Rolo lying squashed on the floor and it says to him, "I thought you were well 'ard and you was going to protect me!!! You said you'd beat up anybody" The Smartie said the Rolo, "Not that Tune he's menthyl !" ** Local doctors have found a cure for water on the brain. - All it takes is a tap on the head.!!

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