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Women
** Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? - A mental hospital!!
** How many men to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to collect the medal.
** Man forgives woman anything, save the wit to outwit him.
** When woman makes a fool of a man it's usually an improvement.
Q. Why have men made such a mess of this world?
A. They're waiting for women to pick up after them.
** The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Q. What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A. A widower.
** Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.
** He's the kind of bore who's here today and here tomorrow.
** There is no great men. There are only men.
Men
*
Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
* How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, they just sit in the dark and moan!
* Why do women have small feet? - So they can get closer to the sink!
* So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of every joke on the Internet.
* How do you get 100 old cows into a shed? - Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front.!!
* After getting married the bride and groom jump into a horse driven carriage and bid their families farewell. Ten minutes later the horse suddenly stops causing the newly weds to be thrown forward. The groom calmly jumps out the carriage, walks in front of the horse and shouts:
"THAT’S ONE!!". Then jumps back into the carriage and resumes his journey. Another ten minutes passes and the horse does the same again. The groom jumps out and calmly walks in front of the horse, and shouts:
"THAT’S TWO!!" then hits the horse over the head with a baseball bat. He then jumps back into the carriage and carries on the journey. Another ten minutes later, the horse still not taking the hint suddenly stops, thrusting the unsuspecting newly weds forward once more. Calmly the groom walks in front of the horse and shouts:
"THAT’S THREE!!!" and blows the horses head off with a handgun. Just as he’s about to sit down next to his new wife, she says "That was a bit harsh wasn’t it !!!". Calmly he looks into her eyes and shouts:
"THAT’S ONE!!" ....
** A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
** If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
** How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, let her do the dishes in the dark.
** man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to
sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm
sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea
... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles.
"Great!", he replies, "Get your own DAMN blanket!"
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