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You Know You're... Jokes

You Know You're Living In A Hot Place When... You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car... You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water... You can say 110 degrees without fainting... You can make sun tea instantly... You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron... You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance... Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one... You actually burn your hand opening the car door... Hot air balloons can't go up... You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. You know you're in San Francisco when... Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible. You make over $100,000 a year and still can't afford a house. You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it. You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian. A really great parking space can move you to tears. You know that anyone wearing shorts in July must be visiting from Ohio. You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits. Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"....and it's not the first time you have seen him/her nude. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze," and, after telling that to a friend, your friend still needs to ask if the teacher is male or female. You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class. You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it. A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice. You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest. You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist. You keep a list of companies to boycott. This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare everyone for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions: (Anymore than 10 points is BAD!!) You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points). You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out). You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points). You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction). You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party). You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points). After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year). Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points). ** Top 12 Reasons You Know You Love Your Job: Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. ** Top 20 ways that You Know You're a Redneck: 20) You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment. 19) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 18) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. 17) You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. 16) Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people. 15) You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. 14) You have a rag for a gas cap. 13) You have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car should be. 12) You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill. 11) Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card. 10) You have any relatives named Elmer or Jed. 9) Your family tree has no branches. 8) Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. 7) You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. 6) You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. 5) You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. 4) Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road." 3) Your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass. 2) Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. And the number 1 way that You Know You're a Redneck is: 1) Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.