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You Know You're... Jokes

** You Know You're Going to use these Top 15 Excuses when Caught Sleeping at Work "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to." "I was working smarter -- not harder." "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper." "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance." "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?" "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!" "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day." ** You Know You're Top 8 Office Activities when your Boss is on the first day of his Vacation are: 8) "Best imitation of the boss" contest wins everything in the supply room 7) Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture. 6) The battle begins for the coveted "Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris" Triple Crown. 5) Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting. 4) Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall. 3) Take pictures of his favourite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day. 2) Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let's Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle! 1) Convincing the boss's daughter to be your intern. ** Top 25 Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Play with the automatic doors. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?" Repeat Number 14 in the jewellry department. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" ** You Know You're an Overweight Cop When: You spend the majority of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs. You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for hotdog. The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time. Instead of yelling "Freeze!," you yell "Fritos!" Even patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph. You sometimes work undercover as a sofa. You take the phrase "Take a bite out of crime" too literally. Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car. Your butt is known as the fourth precinct. You're frequently used as a roadblock.